“Miracle of the war on drugs turn human piss into liquid gold”

The growth of workplace drug testing in the USA has created a market for devices and ruses to beat the piss testers. The prize for creative thinking in this area, however, has to go to Kenneth Curtis, founder of the Privacy Protection Service in Greenville, South Carolina.

Curtis began his business a year ago after tiring of random testing at his workplace. "I was being tested a dozen times a year at the place I used to work. I live a very clean life, but it irked me, so I started a 'Urine Test Substitution Kit,' and was overwhelmed with customers. For $69 plus postage you get five ounces of my urine, 30" of plastic tubing, and a tiny heat pack to keep the fluid at body temperature. With the pack taped to the body, anyone can pass the urine off as his own, and know that he'll pass any drug test, no matter what he does in his private life."

Curtis is adamant that it's not just piss he's selling but "privacy, freedom and the American Way of Life. My urine is pure, natural and organic and I swear on the American flag that I've never had a customer fail a test."

Not all his fellow Americans approve of Curtis's business skills. His success has led to the South Carolina Senate putting a law on the statute book banning the sale of piss. During Committee hearings on the bill, one State Senator lost his temper with Curtis and raged: "Scum like you typify what's worst about this country. Everybody else is trying to clean up drugs, and you're trying to put more into society."

But Curtis is unrepentant. "I'm selling urine not drugs and urine has been around a long time. I only sell my own produce, which means that I always void my bladder into a refrigerated receptacle. I freeze it all. Don't waste a drop. It's literally liquid gold." San Jose Mercury News 4.9.99

San Jose Mercury News 4/9/99