We're all familiar with the stories about America's Central Intelligence Agency and its connection with the international drug trade. From the dalliance with Lucky Luciano and the Mafia in the post war years, their support for opium growing Hmong tribesman in Laos during the Vietnam War, the links with the Afghani mujahadeen and the heroin trade of the Golden Crescent, through to the most recent allegations of CIA backed Nicaraguan traffickers supplying cocaine to major dealers in LA and starting America's crack epidemic back in the eighties. We thought it would be interesting to imagine what would happen if the CIA came out in the open and, as their contribution to America's war on its poorest citizens (a.k.a. the 'War on Drugs') and as a way of raising funds, were given the job of promoting new drugs to the US underclass.

LANGLEY, VIRGINIA. After months of eager anticipation in America's inner city communities, the Central Intelligence Agency revealed its new line of addictive drugs at a Press conference today.

'You don't have to wait no more', said CIA Director Arnold Escobar, 'The residents of America's ghettos now have 4 new ways to oblivion. Remember, we're the ones who gave you South East Asian heroin first, stimulated production of South West Asian heroin and helped develop crack. You can be certain that these new products have the same high quality you've come to expect of America's intelligence community.'

Reaction to the drugs (see illustration) was overwhelmingly positive. 'It was never going to be easy to follow crack', said Giovanni Bombini of the American Association of Crime Families, 'but they've pulled it off again. This new shit's addictive as crack and just as cheap. Providing their distribution system works as well as it did with their other stuff, there should be a lot of spaced out people in the ghettos tonight.'

President Clinton offered his congratulations on the new product line up. 'My fellow Americans,' he said, 'our intelligence agency has given us a win-win situation. Poor ghetto dwellers will receive the kind of powerful drugs they love and that help them forget their misery and the CIA will get extra funds to support their research programme into producing a mind control agent.'

The new drugs are supported by months of testing in CIA labs to ensure high addictive liability, extra potency and maximum impact on the human nervous system. Special focus groups of street kids, the homeless, the mentally ill, single parent families and the long term unemployed were put together from devastated inner city communities all over America and housed in special facilities beneath CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia. Only after 12 months of rigorous and exhaustive tests were carried out on these groups, who sampled literally hundreds of potential new substances, were the final choices made.

CIA scientists and officials stressed that testing was necessary to avoid the risk of releasing potentially harmful substances into America's inner cities. One initially promising drug had to be abandoned when it was discovered that it had such undesirable side effects as increased feelings of warmth and empathy for other people, increased intelligence and an overwhelming urge to love everyone.

Initial product roll-out began this week in inner ciity areas of New York, Los Angeles and Baltimore with all residents receiving a special drug sampler pack, including an instructional video in ten languages. If the drugs receive the response the CIA is hoping for, they should be available on every street corner in every ghetto in America by April 1st.

'I never though I'd ever say this,' said Director Escobar, 'but, put down that syringe and pack away your crack pipe.

You're going to luurrvve this shit.'

2. ZOM-B

Type: Synthetic opiate

Method: injected/Smoked

Effects: Complete mental coma with paradoxical stimulation of motor function; possible side effects include walking off subway platforms, bridges, out of windows and onto motorways. Dependence follows immediately after first dose.

Duration: 1 hour and fifty-nine minutes

Cost: $2 a bag

3. BRAINDRAIN

Type: hallucinogenic amphetamine

Method: Dropped into eye

Effects: Penetrates to visual cortex in microseconds producing horrific hallucinations. Can produce feelings of loss of identity, utter alienation and separation from humanity.

Duration: 1 hour to several years

Cost: $2 per dose

4. CRANKIE

Type: Stimulant

Method: Syrettes designed for cartoid artery

Effects: Abnormal physical strength coupled with suppression of conscience and morality, concurrent strengthening and heightening of psychopathic impulses; complete invulnerability to pain.

Duration: 12 hours 13 minutes

Cost: $3 a syrette